


Frank Bought a Cabin

by CastleAndMurdock



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Angst, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Bisexual Dennis, Bisexual Male Character, Blasphemy, Cabin Fic, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Charlie Work, Co-Written, Crack, Dark Comedy, Dee has the best insults, Dialogue Heavy, Dick Jokes, Everything is for Laughs, Evil Dead esque, Explicit Language, F/M, Fast paced mess, Fluff, Formatted like an episode, Frank butchers words, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Gay Mac, Gay Male Character, Ghosts, Halloween, Horror, Horror Comedy, Horror Movie Tropes, I'm Going to Hell, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Its all pure crack, M/M, Mac Thinks He Isn't Gay, Me writing smut is a disaster, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Character(s), No like SERIOUS gore guys, Not Serious, One Shot, Other, Past Relationship(s), Religion Kink, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Running Cannibal Joke, Scooby Doo References, Semi-Established Relationship(s), Serial Killers, Sexism, Sexual Frustration, Sexual Humor, Sexual Tension, Short One Shot, Silence of the Lambs References, Surprise Character Appearances, The Gang on Crack, The Shining References, This is supposed to be dumb, Violence, cabin in the woods
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-24 04:19:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8356909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastleAndMurdock/pseuds/CastleAndMurdock
Summary: Frank wants to spend more time with the gang outside of Paddy's, so he decides that spending a weekend in a cabin he just bought is the perfect vacation for everyone. Strange things start to happen as even stranger people start showing up. Will the gang turn on each other to save themselves? Or will they rally together as a family? Nah, they're totally gonna turn on each other. Inspired by The Shining, The Evil Dead and more, I bring you a Halloween tale full of drunken nightmares, possible cannibals and gay thoughts that just won't go away. Co-written with H_L_Kline (AngryHedgeHobbits on Tumblr), my beautiful horror, IASIP consultant and fact checker.





	

**3:00 PM**

**ON A FRIDAY**

**THE BACKWOODS OF PHILADELPHIA, PA.**  
  
  
"Three days?" Dennis asked from behind the wheel of the Range Rover. "Really, Frank. If you wanted to spend time with us, why not in the bar?" Frank shrugged from the passenger seat beside Dennis.  
  
"I thought it would be nice." Frank replied, looking out the window.  
  
"Yeah, I don't see spending three days in the shitty wilderness as nice." Mac added from the backseat, behind Dennis, as he played a game on his phone.  
  
"I just want to spend some time with you kids before I die." Frank argued, putting the guilt trip on them.  
  
"Except you're not dying, Frank." Dee argued back, squished in the backseat between Mac and Charlie. Charlie had his face pressed against the window, watching the passing scenery intently.  
  
"Is this what a forest looks like?" Charlie cut in. "So many trees and stuff? So much pine?"  
  
"Yes Charlie, this is what the _outside_ looks like." Dennis confirmed sarcastically, pressing down a little harder on the gas pedal.  
  
"It's so green. I've never seen so much green. Is it supposed to be this green?" Charlie asked. Dennis bit down hard on his tongue to keep from snapping at him. So many hours in the car with his closest friends was beginning to take its mental toll on his already fragile sanity. Mac's phone suddenly beeped as he won a round of the game, prompting Frank to turn his head to the backseat.  
  
"Are you on your gaddam phone?" Frank snapped. Mac shook his head, trying to hide the still beeping device.  
  
"No..." Mac lied.  
  
"What did I say about having technology out here? We gotta connect as a family, that means no brain melting technology!" Frank unbuckled his seat belt and started to climb into the backseat. Dennis swerved slightly into the next lane when Frank kicked him hard in the shoulder, as the older man propelled himself towards Mac's phone. Dee screamed, spewing obscenities as Frank rolled head first into the backseat. Dennis's elbow hit a button on the door, causing all the windows to roll down. Charlie stuck his head out his window like a dog, trying to get a closer look at the forest. Frank's hands wrapped around Mac's and he pried the phone from his grip. Frank continued to roll in the backseat, kicking wildly. He tossed the phone out the open window, Mac screamed, shrill like a child. Dennis dodged a kick in the head as Dee shoved their step-father back towards the front. Frank climbed back into his spot beside Dennis, as Dennis stopped swerving the Range Rover. Dee whined in disgust, her hands in front of her face.  
  
"Frank, what the fuck!?" Mac yelled, high-pitched, looking out the window for his lost phone.  
  
"I told you little bastards, no phones!" Frank said, putting his seat belt back on. Dennis rolled the windows back up, nearly decapitating Charlie in the process, who pulled away just in time.  
  
"Oh yeah? Well what if serial rapists are waiting in these woods, Frank?" Dee argued.  
  
"Oh that's easy, Dee. We trip you and run, that's always been the plan, right boys?" Dennis laughed, though completely serious. Charlie nodded, though he hadn't heard the question and Mac was still too busy sulking to answer.  
  
"Oh, wow, that's nice Dennis. Thank you." Dee retorted, her voice screamed in sarcasm, her only other language fluency other than English.  
  
"Dennis, don't throw your sister to the cannibal rapists." Frank scolded.  
  
"Woah, now they're _cannibal rapists_. Oh, boy, it just gets better." Dee growled. She crossed her arms with a huff and looked out Charlie's window.  
  
"Are we almost there?" Mac whined.  
  
"Yes, now will you quit fucking asking me that, you fucking four-year-old." Dennis snapped, glaring at Mac from the rear view mirror. "Are you really _that_ excited to stay in a shitty old cabin, Mac, are you?"  
  
"It's not a piece of shit, Dennis." Frank promised.  
  
"Yeah, we'll see about that." Dennis said, as he made the final turn off the road.  
  
And it _was_ nice.  
  
The cabin wasn't a mansion by any means, but it was two stories. Three bedrooms, full kitchen, and no technology of any kind. Dennis parked the Range Rover a few yards from the cabin. As the gang started to pile out, Frank began walking towards the front door.  
  
"Woah, are you _not_ going to help unload the Rover or..?" Dennis asked. Frank shook his head.  
  
"Nah, that's Charlie work." Frank confirmed. Dennis, Dee and Mac all slowly looked at each other, then at Charlie. The other three dropped what bags they had been carrying and left them for Charlie to bring inside.  
  
"Ah, come on. What the fuck, Frank?" Charlie complained, but no one listened. He sighed and began to pick up the bags.  
  
"Not you two." Frank said, stopping Mac and Dennis from taking a step further. "You're gonna go get firewood."  
  
"Frank, it's fucking freezing out here." Dennis argued. Frank shrugged.  
  
"I know, that's why we need firewood." He pointed off towards the woods. "Hurry up, it's cold." Dennis's eyes went wild in frustration, but he simply groaned, grabbed Mac by the collar and dragged him off into the woods. Frank took out a key, unlocked the front door, and went inside. As Dee started to follow, she saw a strange figure out of the corner of her eye, a slight skinny body, behind a tree in the woods. It was standing in the opposite direction of where Dennis and Mac had gone. Dee blinked, and it was gone. She shivered, wrapped her arms around herself and followed Frank inside. Charlie struggled with the bags behind them, his thin jacket not enough to shield him from the cold.  
  
  
**4:00 PM**  
  
  
"We've been out here for hoooours, Bro." Mac cried, a small bundle of broken sticks in his hand. Dennis rolled his eyes, carrying several large logs in both of his arms.  
  
"Mac, it's been like twenty minutes. And would you please grab some actual firewood, or are you just picking things up that remind you of your dick?" Dennis snapped. Mac looked down at the sticks and then over to Dennis's arms.  
  
"Fuck you dude, you've never even seen my dick." Mac barked defensively. Dennis ignored him and started walking further into the trees. Dead autumn leaves crunched under their feet as they walked. The dreary grey sky above seemed to sink further down around them. The wind blew, chilling them to the bone and rattled the branches above their heads. Mac shivered and threw his sticks down. "This is bullshit, why isn't Frank out here."  
  
"Because he has us, asshole." Dennis replied, heaving another log into his arms. "He's never worked a day in his life." Mac continued to follow along behind Dennis. The wind started to howl, cold and low like a growl. Mac sped up, matching Dennis's pace.  
  
"I think we should turn back." Mac said. He was about to look over his shoulder, but decided against it.  
  
"We still have a shitload more wood to get." Dennis said. There was a sudden _crack!_ of twigs behind them, and Mac jumped, finally willing himself to turn around this time, but nothing could be seen in the darkening trees. Dennis turned with him, slower because of the weight in his arms. He gave Mac a strange look. "What are you so scared of? Trees? What is it with everyone and the goddamn trees?"  
  
"I think someone's out here, Bro." Mac exclaimed, looking around the woods carefully. Dennis shook his head, baffled.  
  
"You're hearing things, Mac." he said quietly, continuing his walk through the tall, dead grass. Dennis got a few yards away before Mac turned back to him and quickly caught back up. "Take some of these goddamn logs, please?" Dennis said, tossing a log towards Mac. Mac clumsily caught it before it hit the ground, stumbling like a cartoon character. Mac held the log like a weapon.  
  
"Dude, if someone jumps us out here, I'm gonna knock 'em the fuck out." Mac said, brandishing the log like a baseball bat.  
  
"No one is gonna fucking jump us, there's literally no one else out here but us." Dennis argued.  
  
"What about the cannibal rapists?!" Mac gasped. Dennis nearly threw the logs down in his frustrations.  
  
"There are no cannibal rapists! Dee was just fucking with us." Dennis explained, heaving the logs higher into his arms. There was another crack, louder this time, and Dennis seemed to hear it too. Mac whipped around, holding the log out in front of him.  
  
"Watch out! I'll fuck you up!" Mac called out. Dennis turned too, staring out at the trees in curiosity.  
  
"It's probably just a deer, man." Dennis said, brushing it off. They both turned back to the path they had created in the grass, and their hearts both skipped a beat. There, in front of them, slightly obscured by the tall grey grass, was a tall, skinny figure, staring back at them. Its body was covered head to toe in wet mud, distorting its crude features. Dennis stood in strange, confused fascination. Mac screamed like a child and threw the log at the figure. The skinny man took a hit to the face and went down hard into the grass. Dennis dropped the logs and ran after Mac, who was already halfway back to the cabin.  
  
  
**3:45 PM**  
  
  
The inside of the cabin was nice, but freezing cold. Dee walked through the front door and stepped into the living room. The room was made up of two chairs and a couch, a rectangular coffee table placed in the middle. The kitchen was to the left and a large staircase was straight ahead.  
  
"Look at this woodsy bullshit." she mumbled to herself as Frank switched on the lights.  
  
"I think it's nice." Frank said from the kitchen window, watching Charlie struggle with the bags on the porch.  
  
"So uh, Frank. We can drink right?" Charlie asked, dragging one of Mac's bags behind him. "Like," He paused to think. "Since we don't get technology and shit, we totally get to drink right?"  
  
"Yeah, of course!" Frank said. "You brought the booze, right?" Charlie dropped the bag and shook his head.  
  
"Nah, man I thought you did." Charlie replied. Dee shook her head at them both.  
  
"Nobody thought to bring booze?" she asked, shocked. "Fucking typical." Dee walked past the living room and started climbing the stairs. "Those assholes better hurry up with that fucking firewood." she grumbled to herself as she stepped out onto the second floor, her arms wrapped around herself for warmth. Upstairs were the three bedrooms and a bathroom, a large, oval shaped window stood at the end of the hallway. Dee crossed the hall and looked outside. The window looked out to the backyard, and the vast grey forest of leafless trees. She heard Charlie pulling bags up the stairs behind her, a bump on each step like he was dragging a body. She made no attempt to help him, she didn't even bother turning around. When he had gone back to get another bag, Dee turned and went into one of the bedrooms. She locked the door behind her, locking herself in so the others couldn't bother her. Three bedrooms for five people? She wasn't about to share with one of those bastards downstairs. She could get her bags later, but for now, Dee curled up on the bed and fell asleep.  
  
As soon as she was about to fall asleep, Dee heard a thump. Her eyes bolted open in confusion. She shook it off and closed them again, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in. She was so close to drifting off when she heard it again.  
  
"Those stupid dicks." she mumbled. The third time she heard the thump, she immediately came to a startling conclusion. The thump had come from inside the wall. Dee slowly sat up and looked at the wall behind her. She pressed her ear up against it, just above the headboard, and she listened. Dee was about to give in and sleep when a loud _knock!_ came from the other side of the wall, inches from her ear. Dee jumped back to the foot of the bed and shrieked. She kept shrieking even when someone started banging on the bedroom door, and even when she unlocked it and flung herself into Charlie's arms. She was still screaming when he wrapped his arms around her and asked her what was wrong. "There's someone in the fucking wall, Charlie!" she said, pointing into the bedroom.  
  
"Cats again?" he asked.  
  
"No dumbshit, not cats. Someone! A person!" she stammered. Charlie left her in the hallway and walked inside the bedroom. The thumps had stopped. Charlie raised his arms up and dropped them at his sides.  
  
"I don't see anyone." he confirmed.  
  
"That's because they were _in the fucking wall!_ "  
  
"Woah, woah, what's wrong?" Frank asked as he climbed up the stairs.  
  
"Cat in the wall." Charlie stated.  
  
"It wasn't a goddamn cat, Charlie!" Dee shouted.  
  
"Not the gaddamn cat thing again," Frank argued. "Haven't we already been through the gaddamn cat thing?"  
  
"It's not a goddamn cat!" Dee howled. The door downstairs suddenly slammed shut, the panicked voices of Mac and Dennis were shrieking through the cabin. Dee, Charlie and Frank bolted down the stairs to see both men out of breath, Mac clung tightly to Dennis's arm. Dennis shoved Mac away and took in a huge breath.  
  
"There's a fuckin' monster in those woods." he huffed. Mac nodded in agreement.  
  
" _Big_ goddamn monster guys. I tried to fight it, but it was huge." Mac added.  
  
"You ran away, you pussy." Dennis hissed.  
  
"Well, you wouldn't know, because you ran away first." Mac lied.  
  
"You are a goddamn liar, you tore ass out of there, you left me-"  
  
"Children, children please!" Frank interrupted. "I just wanted a weekend of peace, enough screaming."   
  
"There's shit in the woods, too?" Dee asked, already convinced.  
  
"Why, is there shit in the cabin too?" Mac asked.  
  
"Fuck yeah, there's shit in the walls." she confirmed with a shiver.  
  
"You guys didn't get the firewood?" Frank asked, seeing both Mac and Dennis with empty hands.  
  
"We threw it all at the monster." Mac said. "Y'know, when I fought it and all." Dennis rolled his eyes.  
  
"It's freezing in here, we needed that wood!" Frank yelled, breaking one of his own rules.  
  
"Then you go out there with the monster, I'm going to bed." Dennis said, heading towards the stairs.  
  
"There's only three rooms, we're gonna have to share." Frank called up the stairs. Dennis stopped mid-step and sighed. "I'm _not_ sharing a room with any of you assholes." he said, turning his head back to the rest of the gang.  
  
"Too bad." Frank said, climbing up behind Dennis. "Charlie's with me." Charlie smiled and followed along like a happy puppy. Mac and Dee slowly turned to look at each other, a menacing look spread across Dee's face before she bolted up behind Charlie. Dennis had already locked himself in the room across from Dee's. Frank and Charlie were in theirs, and Dee slammed her door shut before Mac could get in. He groaned, alone in the hallway. He looked back to Dennis's door, over his shoulder, then over to the dark window at the end of the hall. It was pitch black out now, and he didn't want to be alone if the monster came back. He reluctantly knocked on Dennis's door.  
  
"Dennis!" he cried out, knocking again when he didn't get an answer.  
  
"Go away, asshole!" Dennis said, mumbled behind the door. Mac sighed.  
  
"Please, Dennis?" There was a long pause before Dennis relented and opened the door, sarcastically ushering him in. Dennis turned off the light and walked over to the bed. He pulled the covers back and looked up at Mac. Mac stood there, confused.  
  
"What, were you gonna sleep on the floor?" Dennis asked. Mac shook his head, slowly walking over to the other side. Dennis got in bed and covered himself up. Mac debated only a moment longer before getting in beside Dennis. They kept a comfortable distance from each other as they began to fall asleep.  
  
Dee was settled back into her room, but she kept a watchful eye on the wall behind her until sleep took over. A few hours later, when everyone else was asleep, Charlie was wide awake. He felt bad, but didn't exactly know why. He looked over at Frank who was snoring peacefully, then back up at the ceiling. He sighed and sat up. He walked quietly into the hallway and stopped in front of Dee's door. He didn't like seeing her scared. Usually it was funny, but that's when the rest of the gang was around, calling her names, setting her on fire, the usual. Though now, he felt an unusual need to protect her. He didn't bother knocking, he just walked right in. Dee was asleep on her side, and the room was dark and cold, the 'cats' in the wall were quiet. Charlie pulled the covers back and slipped in beside her. The bad feeling had gone away, and Charlie felt okay enough to fall back asleep.  
  
A soft whurring noise from downstairs eventually woke Charlie back up. He ignored it until it started getting louder, and heavy footsteps could be heard pounding up the stairs. Dee and Charlie sat up at the same time. Dee looked over at Charlie in the darkness and screamed. Across the hall, Mac was sleeping peacefully against Dennis, his arm around Mac's shoulders. Mac's head was resting against Dennis's strong chest, his arm across Dennis's chiseled abs. Dee's scream woke them up, and Dennis was quick to shove Mac away as he jumped out of bed. The four of them ran into the hall, swearing and bickering, already blaming each other for the disturbance. When they quieted down enough, they could hear the whurring again. At the end of the hall, near the window, stood a man, shrouded in darkness, only the light of the moon from the window showed his slim outline. The whurring sound came as a purr of the chainsaw in his hands. The four members of the gang screamed as the man ran into Charlie and Frank's room. They bolted down the stairs and out the front door. The four split into pairs as they fled into the dark woods in opposite directions.  
  
"Frank's dead! He's dead!" Mac screamed, dodging trees and roots in the ground as he ran, struggling to keep up with Dennis. Mac tripped on a root and hit the forest floor hard. Dennis kept running, but when he heard Mac fall, he stopped. He looked at his friend and then back to the path in the trees. Dennis sighed and went back for Mac, pulling him to his feet as they kept running. They ducked under a tree to catch their breath, their backs heaving against the trunk. "Frank's dead, dude." Mac repeated.  
  
"Frank is not dead." Dennis huffed, struggling to get air back in his lungs.  
  
"No way dude, you saw. The monster got him." Mac argued.  
  
"Yeah, you're right. He's dead." Dennis finally agreed. "What are we gonna do now?" Mac didn't answer. Dennis looked over at him in the moonlight. He was holding his crucifix necklace, absentmindedly turning it over in his hand.  
  
"We're gonna die, bro." Mac said, panicked. Dennis shook his head, he peeked out from behind the tree.  
  
"We are _not_ gonna die." Dennis stopped talking and looked at Mac, _really_ looked at him. He was still trying to act macho, but he was failing, the little gold cross still turning back and forth in his fingers. Mac was the only person Dennis had ever really felt empathy for, and Dennis had never really put much thought into as to why that was. Dennis never felt empathy for anyone. Dennis hesitated, but slowly reached just under Mac's back and wrapped his arm around to his waist. Mac jumped at the touch and whipped his head towards Dennis, eyes wide. But Dennis didn't move his arm.  
  
"Woah, bro." Mac stuttered. "No homo man, no homo." Dennis scoffed.  
  
"Are you fucking kidding me." He asked.  
  
"I'm not gay dude." Mac insisted sharply.  
  
"You are the gayest man I have ever known." Dennis argued in disbelief. Mac stopped turning the cross. He dropped his eyes down at the dark ground. The grip on Mac's waist tightened as Dennis's other hand moved up to the side of Mac's face. "You don't need that God, Mac. Not when you've got me." Dennis pulled him into his chest and kissed him hard. "I'm a Golden God, baby." Dennis purred against Mac's lips. Mac responded quickly, he went in for another kiss and tangled his arms around Dennis's waist. Dennis slammed Mac's shoulders into the trunk of the tree and straddled him, both hands gripping the back of Mac's neck. Mac pulled Dennis closer as he dropped down to lay on the forest floor, keeping Dennis on top of him. Dennis had a strange look in his eyes, not necessarily one of lust, but more like he was about to eat Mac alive. He looked more and more intense the longer he stared down at Mac. He finally lunged forward, teeth bared, going in for his kill. He attacked Mac's lips with such a ferocity that Mac jumped, breath hitched, pulling Dennis closer. The crazy monster with a chainsaw could have been right behind them, but they were oblivious under the moonlight.  
  
  
**1:30 AM**  
  
Dee screeched through the trees, quick to leave Charlie behind. She tripped and fell on a rock, she dropped down and rolled into the brush. Charlie caught up to her and threw himself down beside her, wild eyed.  
  
"What the fuck was that, Dee?!" he screamed. She sat up and covered his mouth with her hand.  
  
"Do you want to die? Do you _want_ the killer to murder us and eat us? Huh? Do you want to be cannibal raped?!" She shout-whispered at him. He shook his head, her hand moved with him. "Good." she snapped. Dee moved her hand away and Charlie took a deep breath.  
  
"I think it killed Frank, Dee." Charlie said, panicked, but quiet.  
  
"Well that's his fault, he dragged our asses out here, he can die first." she said, peeking out from the brush. "I think he's gone."  
  
"Dennis and Mac were right, there's a monster." he said.  
  
"I told you there was shit in the walls." she said angrily. "Fucking cats, yeah right, Charlie. You dick brain." Charlie stayed quiet. He shook his head and looked back towards the cabin, shielded by the trees. She was angry, at him, at Frank, at everyone.  
  
"Should we go back? Maybe he's killing Mac and Dennis and we can escape." There was a hint of a smile on Dee's face at the thought of the two boneheads getting chainsawed to death. She looked back at Charlie, prepared to make a sarcastic comment that involved her brother and cannibal rapists. But as she turned, Charlie had quickly grabbed her face and pressed his lips against hers. She squirmed around in surprise and pulled away.  
  
"What the fuck, Charlie?!" she screamed, as she pushed him back by the shoulders.  
  
"I thought you wanted me to!" he screamed back, voice high pitched.  
  
"Why would I want that?! Goddamn it, that's so weird!" Dee said, louder, erratically wiping at her mouth.  
  
"I thought we were gonna die, I couldn't die without telling you that-" Charlie was cut off as the bush beside them moved. A figure rolled out and screamed. Dee and Charlie clung onto each other as they screamed back at the figure. The figure was badly burned, its face bubbled out in a grotesque skin mask, covered in mud. One eye was badly damaged, and rolled around in its socket. It was nearly toothless and it was missing an ear. The figure continued to scream, then it fell silent in realization.  
  
"Dee? Charlie?" it said.  
  
"Cricket?" Charlie asked, bewildered. "What the hell are you doing out here?"  
  
"I live here, what are you doing here?" Cricket confirmed and climbed out of the bushes.  
  
"You live in the fucking woods?" Dee asked, as she shoved Charlie away for the second time. Cricket looked around at the trees.  
  
"Well, yeah. There's some raccoons and stuff, now they'll try to kill ya, but if you get a stick and poke at 'em they'll leave you alone." Cricket explained, as he covered himself in more mud. "Mud's like camouflage."  
  
"Were you the one trying to kill us?" Charlie asked. Cricket looked confused.  
  
"Nope, don't think so." Cricket said. "I've done some crazy shit on crack, but I don't think I did that. What's with all the screaming anyway? And throwing things." Cricket rubbed at his forehead, where a bloodied gash was splayed on his skull. "I saw Mac and Dennis earlier, I tried to say hi, but they threw tree parts at me." Dee cringed and stood up, backing away from the mess of a person that she helped create years ago.  
  
"Yeah, I'd rather get mowed down by a chainsaw than keep this conversation going, bye assholes." Dee said and marched back towards the cabin. Charlie jumped up after her, followed by Cricket, who hobbled along behind Charlie. Dee didn't see anything out of the ordinary as she walked back into the clearing. The door to the cabin was wide open and swaying in the wind. It was freezing cold out, and Dee just wanted to go back to bed, away from Charlie. She could hear Charlie shouting out from behind her, and as she was just about to go inside, she heard the revving of a chainsaw to her left. The man jumped out from the side of the cabin and ran after her. Dee screamed, she ran back and bumped into Charlie. He wrapped her in his arms as the man got closer. They couldn't see his face in the dark, and the moonlight wasn't enough to help. The man raised the chainsaw above his head, it roared and shook in his hands.

Charlie tried one more time, convinced they were about to die. He took Dee in his arms and kissed her, so many years of untold feelings unraveled into the kiss. Dee sighed against his lips and let it happen. She was pretty sure she was about to die anyway, so much for dignity. Cricket finally caught up to them and Dee squirmed out of Charlie's arms, afraid anyone might have seen her lapse in judgement. In a second lapse in judgement, Dee took Cricket by the shoulders and shoved the former priest towards the man, disposing of the witness. Cricket fell to the ground as the chainsaw came down. Cricket cried out as the chainsaw tore what was left of him into bits. Charlie screamed and looked at Dee in shock.  
  
"What the fuck, Dee?" he said, his jaw dropped. "Oh my god, you killed Cricket! You killed Cricket, Dee!"  
  
Mac and Dennis barrelled out of the woods, having heard most of the screaming. They ran up to the other two and stared down at the mangled body of Cricket, and the masked psycho that was still sawing him up. The four of them ran back into the cabin as Cricket was getting finished off. Mac slammed the door shut behind them and locked it. The lights were out, the bulbs all smashed.  
  
"Was that Cricket!?" He screamed, back against the door. "Is he dead?" Dee howled out in frustration.  
  
"I don't know, Mac! He's out there in a million bloody pieces!" she screamed.  
  
"Yeah, but that's what he always looks like." Dennis noted. Mac high-fived him.  
  
"Wait, why do you two look like you just made out in the woods?" Dee asked, pointing out their messed up hair and clothes, covered in forest dirt and leaves.  
  
"We...tripped in the woods." Mac said. "Holy shit, Dennis. Dee thinks we did gay shit in the woods." he laughed, loud and nervously.  
  
"Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you, you Bird Person." Dennis laughed as he started walking up the stairs. Mac followed him closely. Too close. Dee shook the thoughts from her head as she and Charlie followed them to the second floor. Dennis and Mac were standing at the window at the end of the hall. The glass was shattered on the outside, as if someone had fallen through it. Charlie ran into the room he had been sharing with Frank. He emerged seconds later.  
  
"Frank's gone! He's gone!" Charlie screamed.  
  
"I think he went out the goddamn window." Dennis said, his head stuck out of the broken window as he looked down to the ground. Charlie pushed him out of the way and looked outside.  
  
"There's no body, dude!" Charlie said, inspecting the dark ground from above. Dennis leaned over to Charlie's ear.  
  
"Cannibal rapists." he whispered. Charlie screamed. Dee pushed Dennis away from Charlie.  
  
"I have heard _enough_ about the cannibal rapists!" she shouted.  
  
"You started it, Dee." Mac noted. Dennis nodded in agreement.  
  
"If I remember correctly, you _did_ start it." Dennis said condescendingly.  
  
"I don't care who started it! We have to get out of here!" Dee yelled, pushing past them as she went back downstairs. The rest of the gang followed behind her. "Dennis, where are your keys?" she asked.  
  
"Upstairs." he said.  
  
"Get them, we're leaving." she said. Dennis ran back up the stairs to retrieve his keys. "If Frank hadn't taken our goddamn _phones_ , we could have called for help."  
  
"Who would you call, Dee? You have no friends." Mac said. Dee gave him a look that could have opened a portal to Hell. Dennis ran back down with the Rover keys. The four of them unlocked the front door and ran out blindly into the night. They piled into the Range Rover as Dennis started it up. A fire erupted under the hood as the front of the car burst into flames. The gang screamed and crawled over each other to get out. They all ran away from the Rover as the front end exploded and flames overtook the entire vehicle.  
  
" _Goddamn it!_ " Dennis screamed, stepping over what was left of Cricket's carcass as he ran over to the burning Rover, tracking a path of blood towards the flames. The revving started up behind them again. Dee, Mac and Charlie turned around to face the killer, the chainsaw raised above his head in warning. As it was about to come down on one of their heads, a loud, deep scream echoed through the woods. A small figure ran out of the trees, an axe raised high in both of his hands. He ran into the chainsaw wielding monster and chopped the axe into its shoulder. The killer screamed out like a frightened lady. The chainsaw dropped to the ground, still purring as the man toppled over, the axe sticking out of his shoulder. Frank turned to the gang, blood painted under his eyes like a warrior, hair wild, glasses cracked, wearing only his torn shirt as makeshift pants.  
  
"Hey, gang." he said, as the killer writhed on the ground, blood spitting out of his neck.  
  
"Frank oh my god, you just chopped that dude, you chopped him, Frank!" Charlie screamed. Dennis ran back over in the chaos and stared at Frank in disbelief.  
  
"Frank did you fall out of a window?" Dee added. Frank nodded.  
  
"Yeah." he admitted dryly.  
  
"How the fuck are you alive?" Dennis asked.  
  
"I fall outta windows all the time, Dennis."  
  
"What, like a hobby?" Dennis snapped, voice high. "You fall out of windows as a hobby?! _Goddamn_ it, Frank." Mac looked down at the killer. A thin cloth mask stretched across his face, soaking up with his neck blood. He wore pelts of bear fur, covered in mud and leaves.  
  
"So, who is that?" Charlie asked, pointing at the bloody man. Dee backed up into Charlie's arms as Dennis leaned down to the killer. Dennis grabbed the mask at the neck and slowly pulled it back. The gang gasped as Dennis ripped the mask off.  
  
"Oh come on, the goddamn McPoyles!" Mac cried in exasperation. Liam McPoyle, blood still oozing from his shoulder, a patch over his bad eye, a crudely drawn cartoon eye in the real one's place, looked up at the gang from the ground.  
  
"This is _OUR LAAAAND_." Liam cried out, not making any effort to cover his wound. He didn't even act like he was in any pain. The gang all turned their heads towards Frank, who dodged their glances.  
  
"Why're ya lookin' at me for?" Frank asked, Cricket's blood drying under his eyes, his warrior paint.  
  
"Did this inbred dickbag just say this was McPoyle land? Dirty, hillbilly, McPoyle land?" Dee asked, pointing down at Liam.  
  
"Bad people came, they stole _OUR LAND_..." Liam paused dramatically. "And then they gave it to Frank. Ryan and I were trying to scare you away."  
  
"I bought that land fair and square, Pal!" Frank said, nearly launching himself towards Liam. Dennis pulled Frank back. "You creepy assholes were doin' some _weird shit_ out here. It went on the market, I bought it, it's mine!"  
  
"Okay, so what the fuck was in my walls!?" Dee screamed, shaking her hands on either side of her face in frustration.  
  
"My brother has always loved you, Dee. He wanted to be close to you." Liam said, low and gross, making weird movements with his tongue.  
  
"Eww! Goddamn it! Your disgusting brother was in my fucking wall? What's wrong with you!" Charlie reached out to comfort her. She rapidly slapped his hands away.  
  
"Ha!" Mac laughed. "Dee had a dirty hillbilly in her wall!" Dennis joined in the laughter, Dee looked like she was about to choke them both.  
  
"Children, children!" Frank yelled. "We still have two days! We can tie up the McPoyles, and spend the rest of the weekend in peace!"  
  
"Uh, Frank?" Charlie said as he turned around.  
  
"What, Charlie?" Charlie pointed back towards the cabin.  
  
"Cabin's on fire." The flames from the Range Rover had spread, and they had quickly engulfed the cabin, setting every inch of it ablaze. The gang stood in silence as the fire burned the cabin to the ground.  
  
"Was Ryan still in there?" Mac asked Liam. Dennis looked down at the bled out body of Liam, axe still in him.  
  
"Yeah, he's dead as fuck." Dennis confirmed and turned back to the cabin.  
  
"Well, at least somethin' good came from all this." Frank added.  
  
"Frank, you just killed a man. _in front_ of us." Dee said, shocked, despite having just killed someone too .  
  
"Eh, just a McPoyle." Frank said. There was a pause, then the gang laughed hysterically in unison in front of the flames. Charlie put his hand on Dee's back and she slugged him in the shoulder

"And Cricket!" Dee howled. The others stopped laughing.

"Now that was just straight up murder, Dee." Dennis said, as he started walking towards the road.

"Yeah Dee, that was fucked up." Mac added, as he ran up to hold Dennis's hand. Dennis slapped him away and kept walking.

"At least I killed a murderer, Deandra." Frank said, leaving her and Charlie behind. Charlie looked over at her and smiled. Dee gave him a look.

"You liked it." he said, happy.

"What, murdering Cricket?" she asked. Charlie shook his head.

"You kissed me back." he said. Dee's eyes went wide.

"You tell anyone and I will _kill you in your sleeeeeeep._ " she warned, low and menacing, before following the others. Charlie stood there, flames hot behind him and he smiled. She didn't deny it, and that was good enough for him. Charlie chased after the others, as they left the chaos behind them. 

 

**(ROLL CREDITS)**

**Author's Note:**

> We had so much fun writing this together. We've been dying to collaborate on a fic for a long time, and we finally got our opportunity. Thank you so much for reading and we hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> -Amy & Haley


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